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When the epidemic broke out, I came to the United States from abroad to live with my three-year-old boyfriend. I love him every minute; He is intelligent, easy to get along with, has a good sense of humor, and helps me unconditionally. I will be happy to be with him on a desert island forever.
Unfortunately, finance is not one of those skills. I persuaded him to sell the house I hated, and then we used the proceeds to buy a small house in cash. He played the rest (more than $ 10,000 and other donations from his donor parents to support his move to a new home) and online trading stocks and crypto gambling. He was really scared, and I cried when I heard his plans. I hoped he would invest the money properly or save it. This is the third time in recent years that he has lost money on options and cryptocurrencies. By this time, he had lost all but $ 3,000, which continued to spread in his account. I think it will increase even more if it can.
He says he left the business because he left the job and had another source of income. He is 40 years old and (along with two other owners) runs a business that has been hit by the epidemic. He made between $ 35,000 and $ 45,000 last year, mostly helping his family. I have a lot of potential and I have a very strong but steady job that divides six digits in technology. (I have a lot of student debt after graduation and I don’t have a family to talk about.)
I was worried about how he would spend his money, but he eventually wanted to have a good family with him. But I fear that the business boat and the failed gamble (although he refuses to use this term) will leave all our accounts of our lives with him. Online trading time plays online chess. I tried to talk to him about the business and how I viewed him as an addict, but he continued to be preoccupied with it.
What a gamble no To do? Leave my soul mate to look for someone who may or may not be financially responsible? I am in a difficult age to invest in a new partnership with someone, which may put me in my late 30’s before we can be sure we are going to have a baby. Also, I can’t imagine I want anyone more than my boyfriend, and it seems bad to leave him because of his financial situation. what should i do?
You may not want to hear this, but my immediate response is RUN. This person looks like a wonderful person with a serious problem that you cannot control. I’m really sorry you are in this place, but if you are with him – and In particular If you have children – the issue will be yours and they will fight it somehow for the rest of your life.
If your boyfriend has a gambling problem (which, it seems, a mental health professional can give a proper diagnosis) he needs professional help. Described by DSM-5 An estimated 20 million Americans suffer from gambling disorders, such as “chronic and recurrent problem behaviors that lead to clinically significant impairment.” Many people dismiss self-control as a compulsion, but in reality it is a serious illness, often with medication and medication. Those who are relieved (which includes acknowledging the problem first) often suffer from recovery. “It’s easy to get back into the cycle of addiction, so it can be a lifelong stress,” says Dr. Sonya Luther, who examines the relationship between mental health and money.
That being said, you seem to really like this person, and I understand why it feels premature to walk before you try to help him. You can not solve his problem, but you can give him a lot of useful support and encouragement to get the care he needs. More on that in a minute.
In the meantime – and this is important – do not Combine any part of your finances with your boyfriend. I even encourage you to take steps to protect your money. As long as you are together, you should have the opportunity to become a baker in the family – and a sole source of income. If you finally get married (to be honest, it doesn’t seem like a good idea right now), I recommend that you sign a premarital agreement and separate your accounts as much as possible.
Again, I do not mean to speak loudly. But if he does not trust in his own money, then you do not have to trust him now or in the future to gain access to him.
Now the part where you can try to help him: The first step is to realize that the behavior is problematic in the first place. This is different from what you say is bad – he has to believe it. He mentioned that this is the third time in recent years that he has lost money on options and cryptocurrencies, so there is a lot of evidence that the practice is self-defeating. He should know that if he continues to do this, it will be detrimental to both you and the life you want to build together. But you want to tread carefully – to minimize the risk of failure (beyond the failed business) and to reverse the consequences.
“In general, if a person is addicted to something, he or she will not accept a bat,” says Dr. Preston Cherry, a financial therapist and professor of financial planning. “Rather, it is a process of acceptance that requires patience and compassion.” He advises you to spend some time with your boyfriend so that he can start talking about your future. “Plan in advance so that he does not feel that you are telling him the title; And ‘Can we set aside some time to talk about it?’ You want to promote these topics in a positive and forward-looking way without compromising or attacking them.
Be curious and open-minded when the time comes for this discussion. Ask how the business feels about the transaction. “Make it clear that you are willing to talk about these things,” said Dr. Cherry. “Part one is to give your support and kindness, and part two is to explain how the behavior works you Emotions – and then to suggest getting some professional help.
At first, there is a good chance that you will resist these excesses. You mentioned that you have tried to talk to him about this before; He may have been criticized, or he may have thought that you ‘did not understand him at all.’ To be clear, this is not your fault. But it may take some extra work to make it open. “You want to roll with his opposition, don’t try to teach him or convince him that your way is better,” says Dr. Luther. “What happened to this decision? Prepare a script that you can stick to. Can you help me? Can you tell me more about this? ‘
“Your goal is not to” fix it, “Dr. Luther added. “That never works. We see this over and over again in addiction studies. Instead, you can help him get to know some of the triggers that feed him and if he is willing to undergo treatment and act as a facilitator.
In the end, your boyfriend is the only one who can change his behavior. I think you know this, but maybe some of you are hoping to get him out of this vicious circle so that your relationship will be stronger. Unfortunately, gambling is not how it works. He may still be a great person who deserves your love and support, but unless he solves these problems, he will not be the life partner you seem to want.